


Wednesday Farewells An Insignificant Other

by webhead3019



Series: EVERYDAY WEDNESDAY [3]
Category: The Addams Family (Movies)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:15:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23442307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/webhead3019/pseuds/webhead3019
Series: EVERYDAY WEDNESDAY [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1480952
Kudos: 5





	Wednesday Farewells An Insignificant Other

As Wednesday was being dropped off by her first date, she said, “Thanks. I had a really terrible time with you today. I hope you felt just as one-sided and lumped over as I did today.” Wednesday Addam’s loser boyfriend Chad Jockstrap found this agreeable and said, “You have to be the most disgusting and vile person I have longed never to meet.” Wednesday said, “I totally understand. I too long to meet someone more disgusting and even more vile than me. I uncontrollably vomit after the things I do, then I controllably vomit for a second go-around, knowing no one will ever outclass me. Did you know I once stole a baby’s lollipop, but then I replaced the lollipop with a military-grade rocket launcher?” This new bit of knowledge Wednesday told of certainly invoked much surprise from Mr. Jockstrap’s end.

Such was the surprise that it made him exclaim, “Jesus Christ, I was joking but you really are horrible.” Wednesday said, “Oh, but it gets way way worse. I then used said lollipop to buy heroin just to show everyone what a sadistic bloody wanker I am. Afterwards, I gave the heroin to the baby’s friend. He didn’t know what it was then, but I still said what I said. Holy freaking shit, dependency much? I know right, not to brag or anything but very evil. What can I say other than I’m a one-of-a-kind, awful piece of shit?” Mr. Jockstrap said nervously, “Um I know it’s the first day and all, but I think we should break up.” Wednesday said, “That’s all I ask and I try not to ask for anything.” With that Chad Jockstrap sped off into the night, never to be seen or heard again. Wednesday said, “Good riddance, I thought that chode-possessive moron would never leave.”

Morticia Addams said, “So how was your first date?” Wednesday said, “I really dodged a bullet there, even though I’d gladly step in front of an literal bullet. Chad has HPV.” Morticia said, “Oh, my... he does now does he? I suppose you were better off with the headless mannequins after all.” Wednesday said, “To tell the truth, he does have it... now.” Morticia said, “Oh, my. Did you give it to him?” Wednesday said, “Moooom, it was a first date. I’m not a monster. Annoyingly enough, the guy had Jockstrap for a last name. He might as well have had his genitals sewn onto his forehead like some dick unicorn. If someone else didn’t give it to him, the gross schmuck would have given it to himself. Anyways, the HPV was in the needle his steroid doctor used at his biweekly check-up.” Morticia asked, “Lethal dose?”

Wednesday said, “Yup. He’s just a dead cock walking now... never to plant his seed again.” Morticia patted her daughter on the head appreciatively and commemorated, “Attagirl, Wednesday. You make your mother and father proud that you’re single hating boys, especially overtly penile ones.” Wednesday said, “Thanks, mom. I get it from you.” Morticia said, “No, you really don’t. I just fucked your father two minutes ago. I still love you with all my dead heart like you’re my own.” Wednesday said, “Wow, mom. Am I adopted?” Morticia said, “No, sweety. Your kind doesn’t have names. You’re plainly a one-of-a-kind shitty albeit huggable little person.” Wednesday said, “Thanks mom, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.” Morticia looked disgusted and said, “Ew, nice.” Wednesday looked equally disgusted and said back, “Ew, gross.” Morticia said, “Yeah, I’m pretty sure you’re mine.”


End file.
